Help! I’m parenting a teen!
Are you the parent of a teenager? Are you trying to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with them while also continuing to parent? Are you feeling like they are annoyed with you no matter how hard you try?
In my work with parents and teens, I’ve found that parenting teens can be particularly tricky. I find many parents are not sure how to navigate this new stage and feel at a loss with how to connect with and influence their children. I find that many teens or young adults are also frustrated, feeling disrespected, condescended to, or hovered over.
Why is it so tricky to parent a teen?
For one, it is a completely different style of parenting than when they were children. They have a lot more independence and while they don’t need you the same way they used to, they still need you. It can also be difficult to feel confident in your parenting, especially with all these new parenting strategies, like gentle parenting or positive parenting. I meet a lot of parents trying to make up for what they feel is lost time.
The other part that is tricky is your respective stages of life. If you’re between the ages of 40 to 65, you’re in what we call the Generativity Stage. You’re wanting to build something, to accomplish something, and to provide something of real value. You have enough life experience that you want to pass along lessons from the many good (and bad) choices that you’ve made. You want to guide them through each step of managing their increasingly complex workload, navigating dating relationships, or going to a good college.
Your kids, however, are in the Identity Stage (ages 12 to 18). In the Identity Stage, they want to know who they are and where they are going. They are trying to find themselves. They need to feel accepted but also protected, like a tight walker up on the ropes for the first time, scared of falling, but trusting in the net down below. They need to know that, as they try and fail at different facets of their life, they have a safe place to land.
If parents give too much advice or handholding, it can leave teens feeling unsure of their own abilities or strengths. It can also leave teens feeling rejected or unaccepted by their parents. But worst of all, it can prevent teens from ever climbing up the ladder to try the tight rope at all. That may sound great to you as a parent – who wants to watch their child walk a tight rope! But life is full of tight ropes, and putting off their first climb means their first time on a tight rope will be as an adult, with no safety net.
How do you make sure your kids know that YOU are their safety net?
It’s not enough to tell kids that you are their safety net. You have to show them. You have to respond with kindness, compassion, curiosity, and sound advice. Be careful to not assume you know the right answer immediately. Be careful with your tone to not sound too nagging, critical, worried, reactive, or bored. Listen intently, curiously, and calmly. Ask them questions about what they are thinking/ feeling and what they think they want to do. Wait until they ask you for advice before you give it. And when you give advice, give it once and then let it breathe. Don’t repeat it again and again or get into a lecture.
Teens still need your support. But they no longer need to be held so tightly, with each aspect of their life controlled and scheduled. They need gentle support as they navigate who they are and who they want to become. They need a close bond to know that, even when rejected by others, they are wanted and loved by you.
