Why Complex Trauma Makes Friendships Complicated

If you experienced complex trauma, you may find it difficult to form friendships with other people. Some trauma survivors struggle to open up, feeling like there is a wall between themselves and others. Other trauma survivors are open with everyone, sometimes oversharing without meaning to. They start sharing and feel like they can’t stop. Maybe you feel like you do both of these things and can’t seem to make sense of who you open up to and who you don’t.

Trust and intimacy are confusing to navigate, even for people who didn’t experience complex trauma. It can take time to figure out who you like, what kind of people are good for you, who you can trust, and who feels those things for you in return. But complex trauma massively complicates this learning process. Complex trauma often means being hurt in the deepest ways by the people we love and claim to love us. And despite being hurt by them for so long, we often continued to trust in and have intimacy with them.

It can be tempting to give up. To isolate yourself and say, “who needs friends? I can do life by myself.” But as humans, we aren’t designed that way. We need relationships to thrive. We need intimacy and trust – to know and be known in a place of safety. There’s even research showing that symptoms of anxiety and depression decrease when we improve our relationships. Friendships are a really important piece of this puzzle called life.

So, where do you start? How do you relearn what it means to trust? Use these practical tips to get started:

1.     Create a list of people in your life. Who do you like spending time with? Who do you feel comfortable around? You don’t need to have a large group of people – even 3 or 4 people you can trust is enough.

2.     Ask one person to spend time together. Maybe that’s a phone call, a playdate for your kids, or going to get coffee. Does it feel awkward to ask? Yes. But almost everyone likes it when they are asked to hang out. It feels great to have someone want to spend time with you!

**Let’s say they don’t ever get back to you, blow you off, or outright reject you (this last one is pretty unlikely, but it can happen) – you now know that this person isn’t someone you’re going to be good friends with. It’s disappointing, but it’s also not personal. There’s a number of reasons that they may not want to connect, and not all of them are about you. See it as a sign to move on to another person on your list.

3.     Trust is developed over time. You figure out who your true friends are based on how they respond to you when you share. Do they belittle you? Move on to another subject quickly? Not ask you follow-up questions? Only talk about themselves? Share your secrets with others? OR do they listen in a kind and compassionate way? Do they ask good follow-up questions that show they are listening? Do they keep your secrets?

4.     Consider thinking ahead about what you want to share. Maybe you don’t jump into the hardest part of your story right away. Maybe you start with a stressful situation at work or with your child. Maybe you talk about your interests or hobbies.

5.     Don’t forget to ask them questions. When something is anxiety-provoking, we can become very self-focused. We’re so worried about how we come across that we don’t think to ask them any questions or listen to them. Maybe we assume they don’t need the same support that we need or they aren’t as nervous as we are. But you don’t know that – maybe they are going through a tough time in their life and they need a friend just as much as you do.

Breaking the cycle of trauma is hard. But you don’t have to do it alone. Don’t wait another day to begin your healing journey. Reach out today.