Why New Year’s Resolutions Don’t Work (And What To Do Instead)

New Year, New Me.

Most of us utter this phrase as we watch the ball drop, feeling the rush of excitement and anticipation as the new year begins. “This year, I’ll go to the gym more, I’ll eat clean, and I’ll finally lose that 20 pounds!” But, let’s be honest. Most of us didn’t go to the gym at all this week. If we did, we went once, felt horribly sore the next day, and ordered take out to help us feel better.

Let’s face it. New Year’s resolutions often don’t work. So much so that most of us have stopped doing them entirely. What’s the point of promising yourself that you’ll change, only to fail so quickly? But then, how do we make changes in our life? If we can’t get it together the one time of year focused on change, when will we do it?

To understand how to make our resolutions stick, we have to first understand what makes them fall short. And no, the answer is not just “self-control.” Often times, New Year’s resolutions are focused on making changes we feel like we should be making, more than they are focused on changes we want to make. We look back at the last year, ashamed at how our lives don’t look they way we wish they did. Maybe we feel embarrassed that we’re still single when so many of our friends got married. Maybe we feel anxious about how much money we spent when we were barely able to get Christmas gifts for our loved ones. Maybe we feel insecure with our bodies when we scroll through video after video of social media influencers. But feeling ashamed of your life is not a good strategy for changing it.

So if shame is a bad motivation, what is a good motivation? Research has shown that it is easier to make changes when focused on something you want or care about. For example, want to get better with your finances? Maybe consider thinking about a financial goal you want to save toward, like a vacation. When you get excited about that vacation, begin planning it, and learn how to save for it, you’ll find you’ve learned a lot about your finances along the way.

Another reason resolutions fail? Quitting too early. Oftentimes, we think about success or progress in really inflexible ways. “I have to work out 5 times a week to be successful” or “I must cut out junk food for all of January.” In reality, life is messy. You’re going to fail sometimes, but that is ok. The true mark of character is not perfection, it’s perseverance. The goal is not to never fall down, but to pick yourself back up, again and again.

My last reason is not going to be fun to hear. This truth is one so difficult that many of us spend our lives running from it. But here it is: being perfect (even if it was possible) will not prevent you from experiencing pain. We are constantly fed the lie that, if we work “hard enough”, we will be happy and free from pain. But when you look at who is pushing that lie, it is very often someone trying to sell you something. There is no such thing as “getting your life together.” Pain has happened, is happening, and will happen to every person on the planet. Even people who seem like they have it all still experience pain.

This truth may sound very hopeless, but it can radically change your life. Because if perfect doesn’t actually prevent pain, then you no longer have to be enslaved to perfectionism. You get to choose what is important to you based on your values. When perfect is no longer the goal, you get to decide what you live for.

So, as you look back at the first week of 2023, I want to encourage you to revisit those New Year’s resolutions. Are your resolutions based on shame or fear? Are they based on a desire for perfectionism? Are you giving up the first time you fail? Instead, how can your resolutions be based in something you’re excited about or truly care about? How can you encourage yourself to get back up and try again?

Making lasting changes in your life is hard. You don’t have to do it alone. Don’t wait another day to begin your healing journey. Reach out today.